I knew …I was Going...
It’s so amazing! Life is so astonishing. When you are in good spirits, everyone is around you, with you, for you, beside you. But once you are on the death bed, people seem to be so disinterested in you. They want you to go away as fast as possible. Don’t want to see you anymore, want your departure for ever n ever. At that point of time, you realize the mistakes you have done in your existence. You feel guilty, at a wrong time, when you can do absolutely nothing. By the time you make your self clear, you are already gone. Well, let me tell you my story…
It was a very bad day for me, indeed. A silent morning turned out to be a horrible time, all of a sudden. From then on, my Bad days of life began.
I am not a very nice person. But yeah, I am not bad either. I have had the part of Fun in my life, but unfortunately could not give the same to others. I got affected by this serious nervous problem called the Parkinson’s disease. I can just think on my own, nothing else. My wife is my mom to feed me, bathe me, is also my walking stick. My son is my father to support me, to bring home something, the man of the house. My daughter, I got her married a few years back. But I can’t even say that because I could utterly do nothing for the wedding.
I am stubborn too. I don’t want to accept my defeat, don’t want too say “I am weak”, don’t want to take anyone’s support, and don’t want to feel I am ill. And that’s the reason why I have been forced to become bad. I throw away food I don’t like and for that matter I don’t take anything I don’t like. I don’t want to! I scold my wife. I feel embarrassed to face my son and ask him for something, so I pester him too. And that’s the reason why, I am not liked by them. But still they try their level best to do something for me. But I don’t like that too. So I care a damn about that. In spite of my illness, I want to get the best of the best things, everyone at my feet, at my feet, at my service, for me, dependent on me and my work. And soon I realized that, this day had come.
Hospital, a bad place! I hate that place. But I was put there, rather thrown there. I had got a severe attack that morning, brutal convulsions. I screamed my head off in agony and anger. The ambulance arrived, and took me off into that forest, where I would be lost forever and ever.
I was unconscious. I dint know what was going on with my body, but I knew I was going. I opened my eyes and found everything to be dull n dim around me. There was nothing bright; everything was as white as ‘snow’, clean yet dreary. I was also dressed in white. (White always signifies coldness n sorrow)
I looked around, but couldn’t move. I realized that I was pierced in more than ten parts in my body. The saline was dripping slowly into my veins and slowly I was going. I knew it. A transparent glass stood in front of me, with huge letters imprinted on it ICU. Hmm… Expected! I could visualize the scene going on outside the room.
…The doctor removed his mask and went to my wife and just nodded his head, and said,” Madam, I am really sorry to say, but there are very less hopes. I think u must call all the important people.” My wife was taken aback and so were my son and daughter. They started crying and so did I...
Relatives started coming to meet me, ‘dying’ to see the fading man. Little girls, old grandparents sobbed, cried and came into my room with NOT a ray of hope. I wanted to shriek and say,” I AM NOT DEPARTING, I will be with u”. But in the hearts of hearts I knew that my time had come, I had to leave.
Everyone took turns to stay with me at the hospital, some in the mornings and some at the night. They prayed to God that I should be relieved of my pain, and should go to the heaven and not hell. But I wanted to live, with all of them.
It was already two to three days since I had been in the Intensive care unit. Nurses, ward boys, doctors, visitors…I could see none with luster and spark. The parts of my body were done with their work and therefore stopped functioning. And so, they put needles everywhere and a hundred bottles of every possible medicine were surrounding me. But I dint want that. I wanted to eat, eat spicy food, and drink some coffee, strong coffee. But no one could understand me, because all they wanted was my departure yet I wanted to live.
Almost all my relatives had given their attendance, I mean, they had come to see me. A few of my old friends also came. I tried my level best to talk to them but, on the contrary, not a single word came out of my mouth. I was unable to talk. They got scared of me, because I looked like a pierced, dehydrated vegetable. I got shrunk into a little ball of organic matter. They looked at me as if I were already gone. But, dear folks, I was not!!!
After a few days, they shifted me into the normal ward. Yippee! I was out of that Intensive Care. I felt nice to be back to color, but unfortunately it seemed to be colorless for the others.
I was surprised or rather shocked to notice the reaction of everyone waiting for me outside the room. May be, for my departure. I could again very well visualize the scene outside my room…
…My wife went out of the room. Some of my relative stood there. My wife said,” He may not be leaving us now”, she gasped. “He doesn’t seem to be like leaving us soon. Doctors say he’ll be a little better.” My son just continued,” Man! He created a scene. I thought it would be all over! But...” and left the place. My daughter reluctantly said,” I have no idea as to what is going to happen. We have had enough or rather too much of his torture. I can’t take it anymore.” I dint know how to react. I realized what I had done. N so I wanted to live but I knew, wherever I might be now, I was going.
Relatives stopped coming. My wife stopped worrying, son started going for work and daughter was busy with her husband and child. I was just a dummy but half alive. People lost hopes of me, leaving them forever. I cried and cried and cried. But due to my ill health, couldn’t even do that properly, I couldn’t tell anyone how sorry I was. I knew it were my last days in this so called beautiful world. So I wanted to do everything possible. Laugh, eat, freak out with family, spend time with them…I really wanted to. But, nothing seemed to work out. They thought I would live, but I knew I was going.
Every time I looked at my wife, I remembered all that I did with her. Scolding her, asking her for things she couldn’t do, making her my servant. But still I could see in her eyes, somewhere in a corner, immense love for me, which I never noticed. I did a mistake. In my heart, I had a huge place for my family, but couldn’t express it. I had made a mistake and it was too late now. I remember shouting at my son for nothing, bawling at my daughter for a stupid thing. But my dear, that was the only way I could feel that I was superior to you. I was helpless. Even after all this, I could see the concern of my children for me, they got me admitted me into the best hospital, slogged day and night to take care of me. And above all this, they have looked after me so well. My dear, I want to tell all this to you, confess my love to all of you, but I have become a child in the hands of destiny. Along with blood, guilt ran throughout my body. I was helpless. I was powerless…
A few days passed, and I lay there, somewhere on some wood. Looking at everyone with eyes closed for ever and ever. I knew I could not do anything I did before, not scold, nor love, nor hate. I knew that I was gone. And there! I got the best of best things, best of the food, honey, sandalwood for my comfort, and in particular, everyone was at my feet, at my service, standing there for me, dependent on me, for my body’s permanent departure. Ah! At last I got all what I had wanted, but I was already DEAD.
